What Are You, Some Kind of Expert?
I am fascinated by people who are experts on weird things, but more fascinated by the fact that they can somehow have the title “______ Expert” underneath their names when they are on TV — particularly the Food Network, which seems to feature quite a few of these types of folks.
Any show that Marc Summers hosts on the Food Network (usually something like “How Corn Dogs Are Made” or “The History of the Twinkie” or “Cheeseburgers: Methods of Construction” or whatever) is guaranteed to have one of these “experts” waxing poetic on root beer floats or pancakes or those nasty-ass Necco wafers. (Sidebar: I seriously think I’ve seen about four or five different shows on Food TV that focused on the Necco wafer. WHO THE HELL IS EATING THOSE THINGS? If you’re really into them, just dip some chalk in food coloring and make your own! Same great taste for less!) I have actually seen someone speaking in a serious tone of voice on television with “Cheeto Expert” as their title. CHEETO EXPERT.
In the United States of America, we live in a society where a piece of paper given to you from an institution of higher learning supposedly indicates that you know more on a given subject than a person without that diploma. I don’t necessarily agree with that setup entirely, especially when it comes to the undergrad level — I had a lot of pretty dumb people in my college classes who got decent grades because, let’s be real, anyone can do homework — but if you’ve got a Ph.D. in something, I’m going to go ahead and accept that you’re an expert. I’m going to give you that. You put in the extra time and read all those books, so fair enough; you are an expert on medieval literature or physics or economics, and I trust you to know more about those things than I do.
But CHEETOS? Or MoonPies? Or RC Cola? How do you get to expert status with those things? Is there a Cheeto University somewhere that I don’t know about? (In ninth grade I honestly thought the “CMU ALUMNI” sticker on my teacher’s desk meant that he went to Country Music University, so I might possibly believe you if you said “yes” to that question.) Is there a Ph.D. program out there focusing exclusively on Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? If so, I feel like real life has already prepared me for that course of study, and I’d like to enroll.
What is the process of choosing who will speak knowledgably on television about Pez or Big Macs? When the Food Network is putting together one of these shows, do they hold “expert” auditions? Is there a written test you have to pass? I am genuinely curious about this! I drink a LOT of Dr. Pepper. I eat at Taco Bell three or four times a week. I’ve read about 20 books on The Smiths/Morrissey. I’ve watched the Magic Bullet infomercial at least 50 times. I have every single episode of “Saved by the Bell” memorized. I feel fully qualified to be an Official Expert and talk about any of those topics on your TV show. Let me know if you need me.
