One of my best friends from high school, Sarah, used to own her own pizza delivery franchise for a few years after college. She would call me almost daily to tell me the greatest stories – my favorites of those being tales of desperate souls on a quest for the holiest of grails: free pizza. I transcribed and printed a few of these in a couple of issues of my zine about seven or eight years ago, and was reminded of them during a recent dinner party (read: I’m a fancy adult now) conversation about grifters and scammers, so I typed ‘em up here for the whole Internet to share.
Sarah: Hello, how can I help you?
Dude: Yeah, I got the wrong pizza.
Sarah: The wrong pizza?
Dude: Yeah, my pizza had the wrong toppings on it. I want a new one, and I don’t think I should have to pay for it. You guys put the wrong stuff on it.
Sarah: Okay sir, I’m sorry about that. We can send a new pizza, but when the driver comes, he will have to pick up the old pizza.
Dude: What?
Sarah: He will need to take back the pizza you got with the wrong toppings.
Dude: … Um… I threw it in the woods.
Sarah: What?
Dude: It had the wrong toppings on it, so I, uh, threw it in the woods.
Sarah: Well, sir, we can’t bring you a new pizza unless the driver can pick up the old one.
Dude: Um, okay. (click)
Sarah (To a customer who had walked into the store): Hi, how can I help you?
Guy: Yeah, I ordered a pizza from you guys and it had a hair in it. I think I should get my money back or get a free one.
Sarah: I’m very sorry about that, sir; when did you place your order?
Guy: About 10 minutes ago.
Sarah (Trying to look up the order in the computer): Ten minutes ago? I’m not showing any orders here… we haven’t had any orders placed in the last 10 minutes.
Guy: … Uh… maybe about four hours ago.
Sarah: Four hours ago?! Do you still have the pizza?
Guy: Uh, no.
Sarah: I’m sorry sir, we can’t give you a free pizza if you don’t have the old one – we’d need to see that there was a hair in it.
(Guy exits.)
Sarah: Hello, what can I do for you?
Woman (Walking into the store carrying a box with a few pieces of cheesy bread): I want a refund for this cheesy bread. They don’t look the same as they did in the commercial; they look gross.
Sarah: I’m sorry. But most things don’t look exactly the same as they do in commercials. When did you order them?
Woman: Three days ago.
Sarah: Three days ago?! Of course they look gross! I’m sorry, but I’m not going to be able to refund you for three-day-old cheesy bread.
Woman: I think that is bad customer service! I’m never ordering from you again!
(Woman storms out.)
Sarah: Thank you for calling Pizzatown, how may I help you?
Lady (A notorious scammer who calls in with a new story once a week): Yeah, I have a pizza here I ordered from you, and it has a hair on it. I want a new pizza.
Sarah: Um, okay. Well, we will send you a new pizza, but we will need to get the old one from you.
Lady: What?
Sarah: The driver will come get the pizza with the hair on it when he brings you the new pizza.
Lady: Oh. Umm… … (a few seconds pass) Well, we looked at the hair closely and it’s not actually a hair, but a piece of stringy cheese. So never mind. (click)
Sarah: Hello, can I take your order?
Gent (really aggressively): Yeah, I ordered a pizza and I want my money back.
Sarah: I’m sorry, sir. When did you place the order?
Gent: Last night.
Sarah: What was the problem with the order?
Gent: You guys took too long getting it out here. My kids waited up for the pizza to be delivered, and as a result they didn’t get enough sleep and they had to miss school today. I want a refund.
Sarah: Sir, you should have called us last night when you were waiting on the order.
Gent (yelling): MY KIDS MISSED SCHOOL!!!
Sarah: I’m sorry sir, but we don’t guarantee a delivery time. We give you an approximate time when you call, but last night it was raining, so we were letting people know it would be longer than usual.
Gent (still yelling): I WANT A REFUND!!!
Sarah (looking up this gent’s order history in their system): Well, sir, I’m showing that you bounced a check to us last week… how about I forget about the bounced check and we just call it even?
Gent: Uh… okay. Fine. (click)
Sarah: Hi, can I help you?
Female: Yeah, I ordered some chicken wings from you, and they made my family sick!
Sarah: I’m so sorry, ma’am; I’ll be happy to give you your money back. Can I get your name?
Female: I don’t want my money back; I want another order of wings.
Sarah: Huh?
Female: I think I should get another order of wings for free!
Sarah: Well, ma’am, you just said the wings made you sick. If I send you another order, they will come from the same batch.
Female: It’s okay, I’m sure the new ones won’t make us sick.
Sarah: I’m sorry, but I can’t give you more wings. You said they made you sick, and any order I’d send you tonight would come from the same batch. We won’t risk making you sick again.
Female: Fine. Whatever. (click)
Sarah: Hello, how can I help you?
Femme: You guys put sausage on our pizza and it shouldn’t have been on there. My kid is allergic and he ate it and had to go to the emergency room.
Sarah: I’m very sorry, ma’am; when was the order placed?
Femme: Yesterday between 7 and 10, I think. I can’t remember.
Sarah: What was the phone number the order was placed from?
Femme: Um, (gives phone number).
Sarah: We don’t have any orders from that number in our system…
Femme: Uh, well, we called from a payphone.
Sarah: Well, the number would still be in our computer… I’m sorry, I can’t find an order under the number you gave me.
Femme: Oh, I mean… I came into the store and ordered it.
Sarah: … Okay… when did you come in?
Femme: Sometime before dark.
Sarah: Do you have a more specific time before dark?
Femme: Just anytime before dark.
Sarah: Well, I don’t see any record here of a take-out order yesterday before dark. I’m sorry.
Femme: Yeah, well, we got one and it wasn’t supposed to have sausage on it, so can we get one without sausage? Also, we were supposed to get chicken wings with the order and we didn’t, so can we have those tonight, too?
Sarah: Excuse me? I’m sorry, I thought this was about your sick child.
Femme: Yeah, my son got sick because of the sausage you put on the pizza.
Sarah: I’m sorry, but I’m not finding any record of this order… maybe you accidentally called the wrong pizza place?
Femme: No, we ordered from you.
(Woman’s husband abruptly grabs the phone away from her)
Man (super aggressively): Our kid got sick off your pizza, and I have the hospital bill to prove it!
Sarah: Yes sir, I’m sorry if that is the case, and I want to help you, but I need to find a record of the order to be able to do so.
Man: Are you saying I’m lying?!
Sarah: No sir, but in order to help, I have to find the order to find out what toppings were on the pizza in order to be able to help your son. If you can give me information about the order time or cost, I can find it in the computer.
Man: My wife already gave you that information!
Sarah: Yes, but using the information she gave me, I can’t find a record of it. Do you have the box the pizza came in? It has all of the order information on it.
Man: … No, I burned it.
Sarah: You burned it?!
Man: Yep, I burned it.
Sarah: Okay sir, I’m sorry, but I have no record of the order. Perhaps you called the wrong pizza place.
Man: NO, I HAVE THE RIGHT PLACE!
Sarah: I’m sorry sir, but I can’t help you.
Man: So you’re not going to replace our pizza?!
Sarah: I’m sorry sir, I can’t do that.
Man: I think you need to put your supervisor on the phone.
Sarah: Sir, I own the store.
Man: You own the store?!
Sarah: Yes, sir.
Man: YOU own the store?!
Sarah: Yes. If anyone can help you, it’s going to be me.
Man: Do you have kids?
Sarah: No, but if I did and they got sick eating somewhere, the last thing I’d want to do is eat at that place again.
Man: Are you getting smart with me?!
Sarah: No, sir.
Man: Do you know (drops name of local lawyer)?
Sarah: No sir, I’m not from this area.
Man: I do, and he’s a big-time lawyer and he will sue you for hospital bills!!
Sarah: Well, sir, considering you said that you burned the pizza box, which was the only evidence you had of ordering from us, I’m not sure how he’s going to be able to make a case against us.
Man: ARE YOU GETTING SMART WITH ME?
Sarah: No sir, I’m just pointing out what you already told me.
Man: Do you know (name of guy) down at the DMV? Do you know (name of guy), the commissioner?
Sarah: No, I don’t.
Man: Well, I do, and they’re big people here in (name of county), and they can cause you some big problems.
Sarah: Sir, are you threatening me?
Man: I’m not threatening you, but you need to help us.
Sarah: I’m trying, sir, but without any order information, there’s nothing more I can do.
Man: What if I told you that I’m recording this conversation?
Sarah: I would say that is illegal, unless you’re a policeman, because it’s illegal to record someone without their permission.
(pause)
Man: What if I told you I was in a club… well, not really a club… but what if I was in a club and we were going to come protest your business?
Sarah: I’d say that you have every right to do that, as it’s a free country.
Man: Well, maybe I’m going to do that.
Sarah: Well, you do what you have to do, and I’ll do what I have to do, which is to ask you to never call this business again.
Man: You can’t stop me! You don’t even have my phone number!
Sarah: Your wife gave it to me earlier. Please never call here again, sir.
Man: But it’s a free country!
Sarah: You’re right, however, this is a private business and we can refuse service to anyone we wish, and I can tell you that you will never get pizza from this establishment.
Man: So you’re not going to do anything for us?!
Sarah: Sir, there’s nothing I can do for you. I’m going to end this conversation now; I’m going to hang up the phone.
Man: WELL YOU’LL BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYER, YOU BITCH!
(click)